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A Taxonomy of Illinois Politicians
Dec. 11th, 2008 03:32 pmMy apologies for not posting yesterday. The day job required a trip to two of our branches with lengthy meetings at each, and by the time I got home it was late evening. Therefore, in an attempt to substitute quality for quantity, I present today’s ode. Building on my epic and award-winning (in my own mind) Taxonomy of self-publishers, I present a “Taxonomy of Illinois Politicians.”
Illinois Politicians - A Field Guide
With the recent arrest of Governor Rod “Bleep Them” Blagojevich, many of my readers have expressed confusion about the various species of politicians in Illinois. Here’s a useful field guide:
Most commonly seen in Cook County, the state’s most populated county and home of Chicago, is the Black-Haired Aldermanis. Sometimes referred to as the “Red-handed Blago,” for their tendencies to get caught with both hands in the cashbox up to the elbow, these creatures are colorful but not terribly bright. They typically roost at the City-County Building, home of local government. Fond of strong drink and good steaks, one will usually find them dining at Rush Street restaurants, where dessert consists of greenbacks in plain envelopes. They are very easily caught, seemingly unaware of modern innovations like wiretaps and bugs.
A closely related species is the Red-faced Shortshanks*, also known as “Daleyus Richardus.” The Shortshanks usually lead the Aldermanis, having several on staff and a crew in their pocket. However, the Shortshanks are much more intelligent and subtle then the flamboyant Blagos, and rarely get caught. Shortshanks will exhibit their trademark red faces whenever they express how truly shocked they are at a particularly red-handed Aldermanis mis-step.
Another flamboyant species are the Goo-Goos. Short for their call, “Good Government,” the Goo-Goos are loud and quick to proscribe against the Shortshanks and related species. Alas, since many are unwilling to even take a dump without getting three bids, and seem incapable of making the innocent trades needed in politics, they are notable for their spectacular inability to actually accomplish anything in government.
The largest species of Illinois politics are the Tea-Totaling Edgarites. These politicians are personally honest, but able to make needful and legal deals with Aldermanis, Shortshanks and even the prickly Goo-Goo. Although Jim Edgar, the last Illinois governor not to run afoul of the law was in fact a Baptist tea-totaller who banned booze in the Governor’s mansion, many of the Edgarites actually will take a sip of the sauce.
There are a couple of other interesting species in Illinois, although they are mostly found in DuPage and other “collar counties” on the outskirts of Chicago. They are the:
Flopus Oberweis – unable to get elected despite millions of dollars and five campaigns, notable for extreme conservative views.
Baar-Topinka “Cassandra” – a party-mate to the Flopus and former State chair of the Republican party. She was unable to inject any electoral sense into the Flopus or motivate her party base, resulting in her losing to the Blago in a three-party race in 2006.
* with apologies to John Kass
Illinois Politicians - A Field Guide
With the recent arrest of Governor Rod “Bleep Them” Blagojevich, many of my readers have expressed confusion about the various species of politicians in Illinois. Here’s a useful field guide:
Most commonly seen in Cook County, the state’s most populated county and home of Chicago, is the Black-Haired Aldermanis. Sometimes referred to as the “Red-handed Blago,” for their tendencies to get caught with both hands in the cashbox up to the elbow, these creatures are colorful but not terribly bright. They typically roost at the City-County Building, home of local government. Fond of strong drink and good steaks, one will usually find them dining at Rush Street restaurants, where dessert consists of greenbacks in plain envelopes. They are very easily caught, seemingly unaware of modern innovations like wiretaps and bugs.
A closely related species is the Red-faced Shortshanks*, also known as “Daleyus Richardus.” The Shortshanks usually lead the Aldermanis, having several on staff and a crew in their pocket. However, the Shortshanks are much more intelligent and subtle then the flamboyant Blagos, and rarely get caught. Shortshanks will exhibit their trademark red faces whenever they express how truly shocked they are at a particularly red-handed Aldermanis mis-step.
Another flamboyant species are the Goo-Goos. Short for their call, “Good Government,” the Goo-Goos are loud and quick to proscribe against the Shortshanks and related species. Alas, since many are unwilling to even take a dump without getting three bids, and seem incapable of making the innocent trades needed in politics, they are notable for their spectacular inability to actually accomplish anything in government.
The largest species of Illinois politics are the Tea-Totaling Edgarites. These politicians are personally honest, but able to make needful and legal deals with Aldermanis, Shortshanks and even the prickly Goo-Goo. Although Jim Edgar, the last Illinois governor not to run afoul of the law was in fact a Baptist tea-totaller who banned booze in the Governor’s mansion, many of the Edgarites actually will take a sip of the sauce.
There are a couple of other interesting species in Illinois, although they are mostly found in DuPage and other “collar counties” on the outskirts of Chicago. They are the:
Flopus Oberweis – unable to get elected despite millions of dollars and five campaigns, notable for extreme conservative views.
Baar-Topinka “Cassandra” – a party-mate to the Flopus and former State chair of the Republican party. She was unable to inject any electoral sense into the Flopus or motivate her party base, resulting in her losing to the Blago in a three-party race in 2006.
* with apologies to John Kass
